My little guy doesn't want to be a big guy

Since Chris has been sleeping in his big-boy bed every night since Saturday night (and most naps on the days he is not at my Mom's house since she doesn't drive), his nighttime routine has changed a bit.

It used to be that Daddy would read him a story as I played Vanna White doing the page turning in our bed while he had a cup of milk...then, it was time to use the bathroom, brush teeth and Daddy would lay down with him until he fell asleep (and Mommy would retreat to the futon to sleep since I just can't sleep in our bed right now).

Now, Mommy reads the story (specifically, the "I'm a Big Brother" book) at the foot of his bed, while Daddy gives "his baby" (AKA, the doll he got from the sibling class) a bottle and Chris has his milk...then, it is time to use the bathroom and brush teeth. Now, Chris has asks me to sit with him while he falls asleep - so I grab some pillows, sit next to his bed while we talk a little bit and then he falls asleep.

We had a conversation last night about him getting to be a big boy...and how he doesn't want to be a big boy. It was probably one of the sweetest conversations we have ever had.

To preface, I have been very careful throughout this PG that 1) Chris understands where E2 is right now and that Chris was once there too, 2) there will be some changes coming and that I might not always be able to drop things immediately with baby to do things for him, 3) Chris, no matter what, will always be Mommy's baby too...even though he is growing up and doing more big boy things and 4) we will always make time for him...special time that will only be his.

Doing this seems to have made his understanding of what is happening clear to us - you can see that a bit with how he handles "his baby"...

...Although I am prepared for regression. ;)

Anyways, so we were talking again last night about how well he is handling "his baby" - with feeding him, burping him, holding him, checking his diaper (even though it is just a doll right now) and how proud of him I am that he is being such a big boy and a good big brother already.

That was when Chris said he didn't want to be a big boy yet.

...And my heart just melt...and I wanted to cry.

So, I told him that, although he is doing such big boy things like using the potty now, using regular cups and utensils, going to school, "helping" Mommy to vacuum and make the bed and such...he does not have to be a big boy all the way just yet. I told him that he still was a little guy - he would be still for a while. ...And, it was okay for Mommy and Daddy to still help him with things, or for him to cry when he has booboos or is frustrated that he can't do something. He didn't need to be a completely big guy yet. He had time to still be my baby...

When I was done, I noticed he was snoring...

My little guy had fallen asleep during my reassurances.

...Only proving that, yes, he still is a little guy. And, he doesn't need to be a big guy in every way just yet.

**Sigh**

Happy 4th Birthday (a day late), my little man!

Yesterday was Christopher's 4th birthday...and, oh my! How he has grown! From this:


(about 20 minutes after he was born on 5/4/04)

to this:


(this past Christmas, 12/07)

in 4 short years...

We spent the weekend moving Chris into his big-boy room...and I feel like he has grown into his own big person in less than 7 days. We are so pleased...but sad too because he is just not so little anymore. He is growing up so fast...and more so within the last 6 months or so.

The room is no where near finished...there is baby bedding to be bought for E2, organizing the crap that has accumulated, putting up the finishing touches (so, the "Big Reveal" won't happen on the blog until everything is complete). But, Chris has his new bed and his new dress - his own big-boy space. And, I think he is really pleased because, for the first time in a looooong time, he has slept in his bed all night long: No want to be with us overnight, his insistence that he be in his own space. He went to sleep in his bed Saturday night and never looked back...all the while, we checked in on him and were sad that he is no longer a baby.

I am so going to miss that.

Here is the progression of things:


How Chris used to sleep (this pic was from last summer....the binkie has been gone since at least October)...in our bed, a tornado in our midst.


Helping Daddy put together his new dresser last weekend (no, Hubby lost no fingers)


Chris and Daddy playing Indiana Jones before bedtime (one of the nightly rituals with his bedtime story)


Helping Papa put his bed together Saturday night


Testing out his new bed


How he woke up yesterday morning

When I talked to him yesterday morning, he mentioned that he rolled out of the bed that night (we did not put the bedrails on Saturday night because it was very late and he needed to get some sleep for his sibling class at 9 am Sunday morning - but, we did put pillows on the floor just in case he did roll out). Then, he told me that he climbed back up on the bed and went back to sleep... Poor thing! I felt terrible that he rolled out of the bed. So, I reminded him that he could always come and get one of us...and the bedrail went on before his nap Sunday afternoon.

Chris had his sibling class yesterday morning (I am just such a good mommy, that I scheduled him 9:00 am the morning of his 4th birthday to be back at the hospital he was born at to learn about being a big brother!)...and he really loved it! Best $40 we spent in a long time... The nurse showed the kids (ranging between 2 and 7 years old) how to hold the baby properly, how to help mommy and daddy change the baby, what the baby does at the beginning...and we took a tour of the nursery to see the babies who where there (including an impromptu elevator ride that he was not expecting...he doesn't like elevators, but handled it like a champ!).

Chris just LOVED IT! He carried "his baby" now named Otto (since Hubby refers to E2 as Otto all of the time) around the hospital the right way...showed his baby the other babies in the nursery...insisted his baby (which we got to keep as part of the $40 fee, among other goodies) go EVERYWHERE with us yesterday (a trip to Toys 'R Us, Wendy's for lunch, dinner, to grandma's this morning...). Actually he handled his baby better than most of the girls in the class, who dragged them around by the foot! He is really practicing being a good big brother with this baby...and it is adorable to see that.

Here is how Chris woke up with morning, bunking in with his baby:



He fell asleep, snuggled head-to-head, with his baby last night (notice his baby needed clothing too...this is a sleeper I received as part of an on-line shower gift on FF. It was supposed to be for E2!).

I am just so amazed by him... His progression with speech, his empathy towards others, his sense of humor, and, so, so much more.

I just wish he didn't ever have to grow up.

33 weeks...and the mayhem is in full swing!

Well, I am 33 weeks today...

I never imagined I would be sitting here posting this now. I just remember sitting in my living room, around December 2006, crying my eyes out and the midst of those nasty anxiety attacks...wondering if another child would ever come to us.

But now, the mayhem of getting ready for E2 at home is in full swing... Our soon-to-be former bedroom - the former crap-hole that you might be able to see a teeny-tiny glimpse of in these pics:


(behind the headboard...the old, orangish-paint. Couldn't tell you the original color as there were 3 smokers in the house years ago!)


(looking in from Chris' old room - our soon to be new room with new yellow paint. Note the joint compound on the left side of the window...that is how far we got with finishing off our bedroom before Chris arrived. We figured fixing the falling-down ceiling was a little more important.)

is coming along so, so nicely (thanks to the contractor that my FIL bailed out of making a bad business deal...otherwise, E2 would probably be 5 years old if I left this project to Hubby). Pics will be posted over the weekend...when we move Chris in there. Yeah! All I can say is, Chris is thrilled with the work so far...and keeps reminding us that it is his "big boy room" that he gets to share with E2.

Just too cute... Hoping they grow up being close. ;)

We are also trying to keep things "normal" for Chris...and are trying to prepare for his 4th Birthday party on May 10th. Say, what?!?!?! I am having a hard time adjusting to my baby being 4 years old. Sigh. He's going to really love us on his actual birthday (May 4th) when we take him to his sibling class at the hospital... We gotta make sure he gets his treat of McD's on that day (conveniently located in the hospital's lobby...).

Work is overwhelming...my work is being split between 3 people here (who are all very competent...just going to be hard to remember who is working on what!) and I am trying to fit the time in to train them all on how things are done. And, of course, be ready to leave on May 30th.

But, I am very grateful that my boss canceled the major advisory board meeting he was planning on May 12th... That alone has given me some time back on my calendar to get everything done.

The weather is getting warmer here...and I am back out walking (1 mile instead of 2...but it has slowed the weight gain down a bit, so at least I won't gain over 35 lbs with this PG!). But, I have no maternity capri's, no maternity shorts and only 4 short-sleeve shirts from my PG with Chris. Crap...guess I will be in air conditioning through my EDD. Refuse to buy anything more in maternity clothing!

Had my latest u/s done on Thursday... And, I am happy to report that all is well with E2 and his growth.

And, I am also happy to report that he may actually be more ME than Hubby. Woot! Woot! Looks like he's got my nose...which is a start.






Just a few things came up at that appointment...one thing I am waiting on b/w for and one I have to make some decisions on...

I got Dr. M this time at the MFM clinic - the actual Director of the MFM center. Very nice guy...actually, they have all been very nice. But, I think this particular doc was probably the most thorough of all of the 6 doctors there.

He asked me Dr. D's plans for delivery. Right now, Dr. D is going to let me go to 41 weeks at most - and, if I don't go into labor by then, I will be induced for June 17th. Dr. M, however, wants to modify that, depending upon what my current homocysteine levels are. Since I presented with elevated homocysteine levels with the MTHFR mutation, they have been checking them regularly since they do rise in PG. They have been level the entire time, just like my thyroid levels. However, if this last set comes back elevated, he wants me to deliver no later than my EDD of June 10th. So, now I am just waiting on the results of that b/w to see what the labor plan is...if I even need a plan. This PG has been so different, I am kinda hoping E2 will chose to make his own appearance.

The other issue...the one I need to make a decision on...is about the Lexapro I started on March 17th.

He asked me if anyone had told me about the rare issues that can come up with the baby upon deliver if I was still taking Lexapro at that time... Up to this point, no one has - I was told that it was safe (and I didn't really find anything on my own to say otherwise either).

Dr. M told me that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that the baby could develop Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (PPHN) and/or could suffer from withdrawal symptoms upon birth (irritability, difficulty feeding) for a few days afterwards. He thinks my chances of this happening are relatively low, especially since I am on the lowest dose possible (5 mg).

The 5 mg has really helped so much to refocus me and manage the stress better... But, I have spent this entire PG worrying that everything would be okay with E2...and it has been...and I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him now.

So, I am not sure what to do at this point... I am afraid to come off the Lexapro right now since it has helped me so much, especially with sleep. If I come off now, I am not sure how I am going to handle it all. And, I know the med is helping E2 to be buffered from the stress too.

But, if I don't come off...do I really want to risk that 1 in 1000 chance of a problem??

I have a call in to my ped to talk to him about it....and I will be talking to Dr. D about it on Monday at my next check-up.

Anyone in my position who might have some guidance on this???

Advice needed for a friend

Hubby has a very close friend M from grammar school whose wife, J, is going through a struggle with secondary IF. Technically, she would have been dealing with infertility earlier since it took her about 12 months to finally conceive their 3 year old DD - but, as she was prepping to meet her doctor about it, she finally ended up PG after about half her cycles being annovulatory.

J just turned 37 years old. She is not always ovulating, has tried a few rounds of clomid in which she is ovulating but not getting PG, just tried one round of Clomid/trigger/IUI (the IUI and meds out of pocket) which just resulted in a BFN.

When I talked to her last night, she was obviously upset that they have been trying for over a year now...and she didn't start the testing earlier (her HSG was all clear; b/w all normal). But, there were some very strange issues surrounding her sister that she had to deal with...and put TTC in full force off the plate.

Anyways, she is running out of options because both her insurance and her husband's insurance don't cover IF well - hers has no prescription plan (so all meds she has take up to this point have been paid for out of pocket) and does not cover IUI (it did cover the testing...as long as she was NOT given the title Infertile); his covers most things, but with at least a 20% co-pay; if she tried to get on his insurance with hers (co-insure), then she has to pay parts of two insurance premiums for an entire year.

So, in other words, any way she tries, she has to spend a lot of money and they can't afford that right now. They are on a tight budget after M having lost his job twice in two years (he works as a manager in retail - which is not always stable). There were some financial burdens with the issues with her sister. And, they have some major debts to still pay from M prior to them being married. So, there is not much available to pay for IF procedures and medications.

I suggested a whole slew of things to her (Femara since Clomid is causing CM issues, hence the need for the IUI), checking for other issues that could be causing annovulation (like thyroid disease and PCOS), using things like Green Tea or PreSeed for CM issues. But, she could use some advice on how to get an IUI cycle covered without too much out of pocket cost since they are on such a tight budget.

Any advice from ladies who have been there would be greatly appreciated. I can't really help her with the financial aspects of this because all I have ever had to pay were office visit co-pays for any visit or procedure done - I have a thorough prescription plan, excellent coverage and very minimal out-of-pocket expenses (i.e., all I have had to pay for were OPKs, HPTs, etc.). Just one reason I remain a slave to the State here...

Thanks a million for the help!

A message to Rachel in California

I am looking for Rachel in California, who left me the following comment yesterday on my post I finally have an answer for these losses...

"Hi, I was glad to find that you have Doctors that know what they are doing. I've had 4 miscarriages 3 had gone by before I was tested for MTHFR I have the double mutation c677t.

We got treatment with my 4th pregnancy I was injecting Heparin,taking 81mg of asprin,prometrium and Folgard which is high does folic acid and B vitamins. My pregnancy only lasted a week or two longer then the others. I planned to lose pre pregnancy weight before we tried again and taking folgard 3 months prior to ttc. But Surprise I am pregnant just took the test this weekend my Specialist is on vacation and I am stressing out on getting my meds started. I noticed on your blog that you were tested for your homocysteine level. My Doctor told me there was no need to test it since I was taking the folgard and heparin. Maybe I should stress this again can you recommend a way I should word it so that I am not at the losing end of an argument. Thank you so much for posting your story it is great inspiration and I know how much pain it cause to get you to where you are today. God bless you and your family. -Rachel in California"

I have no way of getting back to you on this since your comment did not leave me an e-mail address and I don't see a blog associated with your profile. So, I will go back and answer your questions here until I can get in touch with you.

First, I wanted to say I am so sorry for your losses. As you can see from what I have written here, learning to accept things as they were for me was not easy - and I am sure they have not been easy for you either. I am not surprised you are scared now with this surprise PG - and I hope I can help you a bit here to get this one to term.

With a homozygous MTHFR gene mutation, I must say that you SHOULD be on higher doses of Folic Acid/B vitamins AT ALL TIMES, not just when TTC or PG. As you age, this is going to set you up for heart disease, blood clotting, etc. and the Folic Acid/B vitamins will help to prevent this. You should also look to be on a low-dose baby aspirin regimen. I have been on my Fabb Tablets/baby aspirin since 8/06 and have not stopped (although the baby aspirin will be temporarily halted for labor/delivery around 37 weeks).

Homocysteine levels ABSOLUTELY should be checked, regardless of what medications you are on. My MFM clinic has checked my homocysteine levels throughout this PG because they can naturally rise during PG - and, since I presented with elevated levels when this condition was first caught, they want to watch it to make sure it doesn't go up into the dangerous elevated area again. Anyone that says it should not be checked is full of crap.

Heparin will not control homocysteine levels - it prevents the blood clotting. Folgard (or similar meds - I am on Fabb Tablets), or Folic Acid, is what actually brings down the homocysteine levels. You should start back on this as soon as possible.

Please e-mail me with any other questions... I am hoping to get in touch with you to make sure you get the right care!

On autopilot...

I will post a meaningful post soon...eventually...

Kinda on autopilot right now. Chris gifted the entire family his latest cold over the weekend...and I spent all day Saturday with a temperature that kept going back up between 100.4 and 101.0 degrees. We actually had to break down and call the doctor because even with Tylenol, it kept going back up in three hours (never had a fever in PG before). So, I was okay'ed to take the Tylenol every three hours to keep it down...

Can I tell you how much I am coveting Hubby's motrin right now???

...And NyQuil?

...And, DayQuil?

I honestly can't remember anymore when the last night of good sleep I had was... Maybe Wednesday? Last week? Not sure.

The pregnancy-related aches and pains are getting to me now... Never had anything like this with Chris because he positioned himself so high up (sure missing those feet in the ribcage now!). But, this one has taken residence much lower...and the combo of not being able to sleep from being uncomfortable from the PG and from the cold is doing me in.

Nothing beats driving in the slow lane on the GSP to get into work...and then try to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing here.

Anyone have suggestions to keep my harbinger of germs germ-free??? Or, at least less susceptible to more illnesses? This is getting very old.

However, I did have a very good nurse over the weekend... Nothing beats your almost-four-year-old singing you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, patting your face, and calling you "hot mommy" when the fever spikes when you are trying to rest. Better than any Tylenol you can take.

...Although, I would much rather be "hot mommy" for other reasons. ;)

I miss you, my sweet little girl

Today, I lost you two years ago...and I still miss you, every day, even with the joy coming into our lives in June.

I know that some of the doctors are not sure if you really were a little girl from the results of testing reports - but, I do believe you would have been my little girl. Dr. D believes it, and so do I.

I also know you have been visiting our house in the last week or so... Chris keeps mentioning that he sees an angel, a little girl named "Sarah," in the corner of our bedroom...his soon-to-be shared room with E2. And, I know he sees you...Chris has a way about him in which he senses things. He has demonstrated that several times in the past. Chris is happy when he sees "Sarah" and wants us to say hello as well, which we do. I do hope you will stay around and watch over your brothers, in their new room.

** ETA: Chris mentioned tonight that it is "Sarah's birthday" today while eating dinner. I am speechless...and, at the same time, comforted. **

I love you...and I miss you always,

Mommy